This blog post explores how Buddhism is connected with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and also contains a helpful contribution from ChatGPT in quotes below. I’d love for you to read it!
I’m really inspired by both Buddhist philosophy and NVC and love applying the principles in my everyday life. I find they are strongly aligned with my values and they have helped me to recognise that so much of my suffering has been unnecessary. My learnings in this area have provided a path to healing, personal growth, joy and inner peace. This journey has been a real heart-opener and I’m proud of how far I’ve come and feeling very grateful!
I always feel compelled to provide a disclaimer for anyone new to Buddhism that, unlike most other religions, Buddhist philosophy doesn’t require a specific belief system and, instead, is values-based which makes it a great entry point to wisdom whatever your background. I started out as an atheist and now I’m less concerned with beliefs altogether (since everyone’s are unique and they can change over time) and more interested in finding points of connection with other humans.
One teaching from Buddhism that I love is “the 2nd arrow” which is the idea that there are two arrows or darts:
– The first arrow will inevitably hit you. It reflects the 1st Noble Truth that pain is a natural, fundamental and inevitable part of life.
– The second arrow is the one that you hit yourself with. This is the part that we have control over and reflects the unnecessary suffering we inflict on ourselves. An example of how we do this is with unhealthy thinking patterns.
For those who have experienced counselling, the 2nd arrow is the basis for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which aims to promote healthy thinking patterns.
In Buddhism, the 4 Noble Truths are:
1. The truth of suffering (including illness, dissatisfaction, or imperfection)
2. The truth of the cause of suffering, which is desire, craving or grasping
3. The truth of the end of suffering, which is that it can be ended by detaching from craving and desire
4. The truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering, which is the Noble Eightfold Path
When I read this, I like to remember that this is just one translation of many and it’s likely that the meaning of these words is a little different from when they were originally written (I believe the Buddhist scripts were written in the language Pali).
The Noble Eightfold path involves developing qualities such as skilful (right or wise) thought, speech, action, livelihood, mindfulness etc. All these things seem reasonable to me, although I need more details to be sure!
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a value system and a toolkit developed by Marshall Rosenberg and explored in the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Its aim is to help foster connection between humans of all backgrounds and bring more joy into life. The value system underlying it invites us to move away from fixed ideas of “right” and “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, “praise” and “blame” or any other value judgements (which Rosenberg referred to as Jackal language). In the place of these, we are encouraged to recognise a common set of fundamental human needs shared by all humans, and skilful or less skillful strategies for meeting these needs (what Rosenberg refers to as Giraffe language, since the giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal because of its long neck). Negative feelings indicate an unmet need and positive feelings are experienced when a need has been met, so connection to feelings is vital within the practice. An underlying idea is that every action we ever take in life is intended to meet one of our fundamental needs. Unfortunately our strategies are not always very effective at meeting our needs, and can impact others negatively too, and there is a need to grieve this. What brings me hope is that we can become more effective at meeting our needs by developing more awareness and wisdom and then we can celebrate our successes!
NVC is strongly influenced by Buddhism (and I’ve even heard it said that they are essentially the same philosophy and value system) but one thing that confused me for a while now is how NVC aligns with the 2nd Noble Truth that it’s desire that is the cause of (unnecessary) suffering and the 3rd Noble Truth which asks for detachment from desire. In my mind, the feeling of desire is healthy because it indicates an unmet need and I know from experience that it’s not healthy to dissociate from my feelings over a long period or leave fundamental needs unmet for too long. Is Buddhism saying that I should simply detach from my feelings when my needs are unmet, rather than attempt to meet them?
Well, I attended a Mindful Communication session yesterday and asked this question at the end. The facilitator (an ordained Buddhist) said that he’d love to explore this with me but unfortunately we’d run out of time, so he jokingly suggested that I ask ChatGPT instead. It just so happens that I’ve been using ChatGPT a bit recently, so that’s what I did!
The answer provided me with some clarity which I found helpful. Here it is in full:
“Buddhism does not necessarily encourage dissociating from the feeling of desire or completely abandoning all pursuit of unmet needs. Instead, it advocates for a skillful understanding and engagement with desire. The nuanced Buddhist perspective aligns well with Nonviolent Communication’s (NVC) emphasis on recognizing needs and approaching them with mindfulness and compassion. Let’s break this down:
1. Understanding Desire in Buddhism
– Unskillful (Tanha/Craving): In Buddhism, the problem is not desire itself but tanha (craving or clinging), which is an unskillful relationship to desire. Craving often stems from ignorance or attachment, leading to suffering because it creates a sense of lack and dependency on external outcomes.
– Skillful (Chanda/Wholesome Desire): There is also a recognition of chanda—a positive, wholesome desire that motivates actions rooted in wisdom and compassion. Chanda refers to desires that align with our deeper values, such as the desire for well-being, growth, or enlightenment.
In this sense, Buddhism does not advocate suppressing desire but transforming our relationship with it. The key is to cultivate mindfulness, discernment, and non-attachment to outcomes.
2. Engaging with Needs in Buddhism
Buddhism acknowledges that human beings have legitimate needs—physical, emotional, and spiritual. These needs are not inherently problematic, but our suffering arises from:
– Misunderstanding what truly fulfills us.
– Clinging to specific outcomes or methods of meeting those needs.
– Reacting with aversion, blame, or attachment when needs are unmet.
Buddhism encourages us to:
– Recognize what our needs truly are (e.g., genuine connection versus superficial validation).
– Develop skillfulness (upaya) in meeting these needs, such as practicing generosity, compassion, or mindfulness.
– Accept gracefully when needs cannot be met, reducing unnecessary suffering by cultivating equanimity (upekkha).
3. Parallels with Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication’s process—identifying unmet needs, connecting compassionately, and finding strategies to meet those needs—aligns closely with Buddhist teachings. However, NVC also brings clarity to moments when needs cannot be met. Buddhism complements this by encouraging mindfulness and non-attachment:
– Recognizing the impermanence of unmet needs and emotions.
– Practicing self-compassion and reframing suffering as a teacher.
– Cultivating an understanding of interdependence (not all needs can or must be fulfilled by external sources).
4. Dealing with Unmet Needs and Suffering
Buddhism does not deny the importance of skillfully addressing unmet needs. However, it emphasizes that the ultimate source of peace lies in:
– Letting go of clinging to specific outcomes or attachments to desires.
– Developing inner resources like mindfulness, equanimity, and compassion to respond skillfully when needs are unmet.
– Understanding that suffering diminishes when we shift from reactive patterns to present-moment awareness and acceptance.
Key Takeaway
Buddhism does not discourage the acknowledgment of desire or the pursuit of meeting needs. Instead, it encourages us to:
– Differentiate between unskillful craving and wholesome aspirations.
– Develop skillfulness in recognizing and fulfilling needs without creating unnecessary suffering.
– Respond wisely when needs are unmet, reducing attachment to outcomes and fostering inner peace.
In this way, Buddhism and NVC are complementary: NVC provides tools for skillful communication and connection around needs, while Buddhism offers a framework for cultivating mindfulness, reducing attachment, and finding freedom from suffering in all circumstances.”
I can really relate to the ideas from this response and it aligns with the work I’m already trying to do to let go of unskilful strategies and come up with new more skilful ones. In the past I have had a tendency to cling on to specific outcomes, react impulsively and act unwisely in an attempt to avoid negative feelings, rather than sit with them for any length of time – and this has caused me great suffering. I’ve found the practice of mindfulness meditation helps me to cultivate the ability to sit with my feelings, noticing them come and go like the weather, and not instantly revert to old strategies that no longer serve me. Of course, I am still a work-in-progress but progress (rather than perfection) is really the key word here. Progress feels really good. And it’s reassuring to realise that it’s not all desire that is the problem but more my relationship to it.
The facilitator of the session yesterday said that the difference between an adult and a child is this:
“An adult is someone who is alive to their needs but doesn’t require them to be met immediately”.
This also aligns very well with YEStrategies which are a mindful communication tool I wrote about in a previous post. These tools help to promote creative problem solving and remind me that there is an abundance of different strategies out there to meet my fundamental needs. With YEStrategies and YESscores I can easily rate and compare different options available to me in terms of my level of enthusiasm and this helps to promote meeting my needs more skilfully. YEStrategies also help me to connect more deeply with another pillar of Buddhism: the Singha or community. It’s not possible to do all of this on my own: what’s needed is a quality of connection with myself and others where everyone’s needs matter, i.e. a nurturing culture. This is the kind of environment that I aspire to live in and to help create. I hope you will feel inspired to join me!
Mindful Alice. 