What is a YEStrategy?

What is a YEStrategy?

I have been helping to develop the concept of a YEStrategy with some friends recently and I’m excited to share it here. A YEStrategy is a strategy to meet our fundamental human needs more skilfully moment-to-moment, thereby increasing the overall abundance of a situation. By skilfully, I mean to meet needs directly without leaving other needs unmet. When needs are met as a result of a successful YEStrategy, this is called a Yescalation (an escalation of the feeling of “YES!”) There are infinitely many YEStrategies but not so many needs, as I wrote about in my previous post here! YEStrategies can be particularly effective as a communication, consent and idea-generation tool when proposing nourishing activities to do together with friends or peers and they can also be used for solo activities.

How do you propose YEStrategies in conversation?

YEStrategies can be proposed out loud verbally in a conversation or, alternatively, can be communicated to others by writing them on post-it notes or sending them as messages on social media. The verbal syntax is “YEStrategy: Mindful Alice does XYZ”, so the strategy is said in the third person and in the present tense. If I consent to doing the activity, I then say my YESscore: a number from 1 to 6. A YESscore of 1 is the lowest level of consent and means “I’ll allow it”, whereas a YESscore of 6 is the highest and means “Hell yeah!” If the activity involves another person I wait for them to respond and if they give any number from 1 to 6 this indicates their consent, although to varying levels of enthusiasm. If they don’t respond to my YEStrategy it simply means “Not now”. If they want, they can (optionally) communicate that they heard it by responding with something like “Noted”, although ignoring my request is also fine.

Why is this important?

I’ve been starting to think in terms of YEStrategies for the last 9 months and this framework has become one of my most useful tools. It’s already changed my life fundamentally and now I’m feeling excited about sharing it with others because I think it could do some serious good in the world, particularly for neurodivergent folk whose needs are perhaps more likely to be unmet when using conventional social customs.

What are some of the benefits?

There are quite a lot! Here are some I can think of:

• It encourages creativity! An effective meta-YEStrategy might be to propose lots of YEStrategies with friends and peers, giving you plenty of options to choose from when deciding how to spend time together.
• It encourages the participants to really think about what they want from the interaction and to be intentional about how they spend their time. A commonly heard phrase when using YEStrategies is “Eat your cake first!” Life is short and uncertain, so seize the day and do the things that make life worth living now and don’t delay living any longer!
• It encourages asking for what you want, being brave and vulnerable and putting yourself out there. Your needs are important and valid. This goes against our culture, where often we are discouraged from being “needy” or “greedy”.
• It encourages feeling into an activity and asking yourself “Do I really want to do this? And if so, how much?” Comparing YESscores against several potential activities can give a useful benchmark.
• The highest scored YEStrategies can be prioritised, so there’s less time spent doing things with low levels of enthusiastic consent.
• Giving a YESscore to a YEStrategy makes it clear “Who is the activity for?” (as in Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent) If your score is a 6 (the highest) and mine is only a 1 or a 2, this tells me “This YEStrategy is primarily for you and it will hopefully make your day” and that may help motivate me to do it with you. Knowing this about your preferences may also help to bring me more joy (i.e. freudenfreude, or joy in your joy).
• The proposer of a YEStrategy doesn’t automatically consent, which frees them up to suggest things that they are curious about but unsure if they want to pursue. This helps broaden horizons and can quickly deepen relationships as new territory is gradually explored.
• YEStrategies can be stored up for future use. An unscored YEStrategy simply means “Not now”. Not now, but maybe someday… Who knows?
• YEStrategies are only acted on when consent is explicitly given. This helps to create a very inclusive, safe and supportive culture where everyone’s needs matter. This is one of the fundamental principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which is a subject I hope to explore in a future blog post soon.
• There is no requirement to respond to a YEStrategy at all, because an ignored YEStrategy simply means “Not now” by default. This makes it easier to be intentional with boundaries and removes the burden of having to say “No”, which can be challenging for many people. It also gives people more time to feel into whether they want to do the activity.
• Since an ignored YEStrategy means “Not now” it’s not the same as receiving a “No” or a “Never”. Instead, it reflects the moment-to-moment preferences and needs of the people involved, which change over time. It’s possible that it may receive a YESscore in the future but also removes the pressure on a response in the moment. In the meantime there are many more potential YEStrategies to choose from!
• Even a low scored YEStrategy is useful information and a gift. If someone only does an activity with you because they want to spend time with you, but they’d strongly prefer to do something else with you instead, wouldn’t you want to know this? I have started to suspect that these kinds of dynamics occur all the time when using normal social customs and that the opportunity cost is potentially huge!

Are there any last words you want to add?

Oh so many, but this post is already long so I’ll leave it here. By the way, I’ve started a new Instagram account @mindful_alice_pod so follow me there for more updates!