Validation and self-love are not topics that I have fully mastered, and I never imagined I would be writing about them, yet here I am. I want to stress the “messy” and “imperfect” parts, in a kind and loving – rather than self-critical – way.
Why have you felt drawn to write this blog post?
Well, there have been a lot of changes in my life recently and some have been hard to accept. At times I’ve found it difficult to cope with my emotions and I’ve found myself craving validation from others, particularly on social media but also in other areas. I’m not looking for sympathy though – that’s not the point of this post (and I’m sure we all have struggles now and then). This post is about finding inner strength. I want to share what I’ve learnt in the hope that it might help someone.
What do you mean by inner strength?
To be more specific, I have started to cultivate some internal tools that have helped me to cope with difficult emotions which, I believe, would have helped enormously earlier in my life, had I ever been taught them.
Can you give me an example of an internal tool?
Yes, the internal tool that I’d like to discuss in this blog post is a different way of talking to myself: a loving, validating, inner voice – and my methods for accessing it.
Before continuing, I’d like to go back a step and discuss some ideas that have led me here. Recently I have been training in humanistic or person-centred counselling, which is a kind of therapy developed by Carl Rogers in the 1940s. Rogers believed that people needed to receive unconditional positive regard, congruence, and empathy to create the conditions for therapeutic change. The concept of unconditional positive regard has changed my life and I have already touched upon it, under the name Radical Kindness, in a previous article here. I plan to write about congruence another time because this has been another ground-breaking concept for me. The focus of this post is on the third condition: empathy.
Rogers’ work influenced the development of the language of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg and this has also had a profound impact on my life recently. Rosenberg highlighted how sometimes, when someone is experiencing difficult emotions, they need some “emergency first aid empathy” before they will be open to hearing other perspectives or problem-solving. If someone is starved of empathy themselves, they will not be able to empathise with someone else who they disagree with and move on.
What I have realised is it’s just not always possible or practical to rely on other people to provide the level of validation and empathy that I need. In addition, while I suspect that many people crave deeper connection (for example, on social media), few are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask for what they need. I think I am quite a sensitive person and I need a lot of validation, especially when times are tough. What I’ve learnt is that I can give empathy to myself.
Wait, what exactly do you mean by empathy?
Well, empathy is about showing understanding of what another person is feeling or experiencing – entering their world – without judgement and on an equal footing. The person empathising enters the other person’s frame of reference and listens to them non-judgementally, then reflects back what they have heard to ensure they have understood.
Hmm, OK, sounds fair enough in principle. So how do you apply empathy to yourself in practice?
Well, I find it very helpful to first get my thoughts “out of my head” somehow. I mentioned above that empathy usually involves two people and this is the best solution that works for me so far. In the last few years, I have taken to writing in journals a lot, and writing myself notes on various apps when my journal isn’t available (at work, for example). Other good approaches include talking to myself out loud when possible and/or recording a voice note. I’ve realised the recording part isn’t too important since I rarely re-visit the notes at later times. Combining the self-talk with physical movement like going for a walk seems to work well for me. Another great option is to dance – although that’s a separate subject that I plan to explore in a future post.
OK, and then what?
Once I’ve found a medium for getting thoughts out of my head, I use that medium to ask myself how I’m doing and have an actual conversation, as if a friend or counsellor were there. I ask what’s going on for me and what emotions I’m experiencing and, after replying, I then “reflect back” what I’ve said to myself with compassion and without judgement. I’ll look at the situation with a new perspective as if it were happening to a friend. I find there seems to be two voices: one that is suffering and one that embodies compassion.
And you find this helpful?
Yes, it’s been enormously helpful. It’s the emergency first aid empathy that Rosenberg spoke about, which he also noted that he sometimes had to apply to himself before he could emphasise with others. Somehow seeing my thoughts and feelings externalised and having them reflected back compassionately is incredibly validating. I feel less dependent on other people to provide that validation, because I know I always have my own back.
And there are other “inner tools” too?
Yes, and I’d love to write more on this topic – for example, how I “imagine having” and “let go of wanting”.
So you’ve got it all figured out?
Absolutely not! But I want to celebrate the progress that I’ve made. I do feel more confident in myself because I’m building a solid loving foundation and I’ve made a commitment to accept myself unconditionally. I think it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted, but also fundamental to creating the life that I want to lead. If you’re on this journey, or curious about starting, I want to encourage you. In my experience, validation and empathy feels like training a muscle and, like exercise, it gets stronger with practice. In this moment, I’m grateful for the gym of life! 💪
Mindful Alice. 