Radical Awareness of Needs

Sigh, another title with “radical” in the name. Why can’t it just be normal awareness of needs?

Well, I’m glad you asked. The reason I’ve put radical in the name is because I think most people already have some awareness of their needs. What I’m proposing is a compassionate way of thinking that is more specifically needs-focused.

Are you saying that people aren’t aware of what they need?

Well, I don’t want to speak for others – they can make up their own minds. It’s just that I don’t always clearly identify what I need and communicate that to others in a non-judgemental way. I also sometimes get into disagreements with other people and fail to identify what they need. It’s not a skill that I was ever taught at school and I’m only learning to do it now as an adult. Some needs are easier than others to acknowledge – for example, I find it easier to admit to my physical needs than my psychological ones. And I have some needs that I’ve only recently become aware of because they’ve been hidden away under the surface for years.

Why is identifying and communicating your needs so important to you?

One reason is that I often do things without really knowing why and I get frustrated with myself. For instance, I might go onto social media and scroll aimlessly for hours. When I practice “checking in” and identifying my deeper needs ahead of time I might realise that I have several needs that are unmet, for example:

• Entertainment
• Social connection
• Rest and relaxation
• Self-expression
• Validation

The thing is that social media rarely actually meets these needs very well. I would be better off problem-solving for each of these needs separately. I want to meet my needs skilfully.

What does it mean to meet needs skilfully?

I’m glad you asked! I was introduced to this concept at a workshop that I attended recently. The facilitator presented the following three ideas:

1. Humans share the same set of underlying needs.
2. Every action humans take is an attempt to meet one or more of these needs.
3. A need is met skilfully if the action produces only positive results, i.e., it meets the needs without causing a deficit of other unmet needs. A need is met unskilfully if the action produces some negative results, i.e., it causes other needs to go unmet.

Hmm, I’m sceptical. Is it true that all humans share the same set of underlying needs?

Well, there have been various attempts to determine what a common set of needs might look like, such as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – and there’s plenty of room for debate around this subject! Personally, I don’t think it matters too much whether our needs are the same or not; this exercise is about developing empathy. It seems reasonable to me that we share a lot of common ground at least and this helps me feel more compassion to myself and other humans.

And you’re saying every action I take is an attempt to meet a need, so I’m constantly driven by unmet needs?

Well, I’m struggling to think of a counterexample. Even when I do something for someone else, there’s usually a need of my own driving that behaviour.

Isn’t that selfish?

You could have that perspective, but I choose to think it’s not selfish to have needs. It’s just part of being human. Unmet needs can be seen as positive in that they are the source of my motivation.

And what about the final point? Why use the word “skilful”?

What I like about it is that it takes away good/bad value judgements and provides a more objective framework for why I might want to change my behaviour. Instead of saying “I’m wrong to behave like that” it offers an invitation: “I could meet my needs more skilfully by changing things up a bit”. It contains an implicit growth mindset, which is a topic I’d love to discuss in a future blog post.

So how do you practice radical awareness of your needs?

I try to ask myself “what do I need in this moment” regularly, especially when I know I’m about to do something that I might regret. Once I’ve identified my needs I can ask “how can I meet my needs more skilfully?” It creates a moment of mindfulness in which I can choose to act differently or, at the very least, be aware that I am choosing to act unskilfully this time. Then I can be more conscious of how I feel both during and afterwards, which can plant the seed for future change. I’m trying to avoid judging myself harshly, to be compassionate, while also building more self-trust. It’s hard to break patterns of behaviours and awareness is the first step. I also have a mind map of needs in the back of my journal which helps as a reference.

What do you hope to achieve by writing this blog post?

I want to share that being much more aware of my needs, recognising the common humanity of having them and being able to communicate them to myself and others non-judgementally has been helpful and empowering for me. I want to encourage others to notice what unmet needs are driving their behaviour and offer a challenge: how can you meet your needs more skilfully?