A true story:
“How do you feel when he doesn’t tell you that he’s working late?”
“Oh well, you know, it’s difficult because I don’t know whether to make dinner for myself or if we’re going to eat together when he gets back.”
“Okay, but how do you feel?”
“Well, it’s just inconvenient because he hasn’t let me know what he’s doing.”
“No, I’m asking you how it makes you feel.”
“…” (Thinking: I’m not sure what you want from me)
This was the moment I started my journey with emotions. It was 2018 and I was working in a busy and intellectually demanding job in the city. I had been experiencing increasing anxiety of late and my relationship was under pressure so, alongside cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for me, we had decided to also do couples counselling for us. The couple’s counsellor had just asked me about my feelings, and I had no clue what she was talking about.
After this confusing interaction I started to use a journal to keep track of my progress. On the suggestion of both counsellors, I decided to do a “check-in” to note down what emotions I was experiencing. It went something like this:
“Anxious. Mostly anxious. Is that an emotion? Also, a bit sad. I felt a bit better on Tuesday.”
My list of emotions was very short, and with little nuance. I realised I wasn’t even sure what emotions were possible, so I decided to try a different approach. I wrote in the middle of the page “What emotions are there?” Then, in the style of a mind map radiating from the centre, I noted down every emotion I could think of. There were quite a lot:
“Jealousy. Anger. Contentedness. Frustration. Joy. Pride. Surprise. Excitement. Curiosity…”
While writing I realised that I had experienced all these emotions at some point in the past. There were many that I hadn’t consciously been aware of for quite a while.
Immediately after this exercise, I decided to do another check-in. I wrote a new list of all the emotions I was experiencing, and, to my surprise, it had around 10-15 emotions on it – some of which seemingly conflicted, with a mixture of positives and negatives.
I realised that being more specific about my emotions helped me gain a deeper level of awareness of “the experience of being me”.
It took a while for the practice to stick, and it was only in 2020, at the prompt of a new counsellor, that I started to do regular check-ins in my journal. Sometimes I would write several check-ins within a single day. I started to list physical sensations as well as emotions in my check-ins and noticed that there was a strong correlation between the two.
Now, years later, emotional check-ins have become a normal part of my daily life. Often the prompt is a physical sensation, such as the constriction of my chest, tension in my forehead or jaw, heat in my stomach, or acid reflux. I always keep an emotion mind map in the back of my journal for reference in case I need help identifying what emotions are present for me (see example below). There are also great resources available such as Brené Brown’s 87 Human Emotions and Experiences from her book Atlas of the Heart.
I no longer see negative emotions as things to try to avoid and positive ones to pursue. Negative emotions can be a powerful sign that there is an unmet need that wants some attention. Positive emotions provide useful feedback that a need has been met. Needs are a topic for another blog post!
Buddhist teachings, such as Inviting Mara to Tea, have been an inspiration for me. Unnecessary suffering comes from clinging on to something too tightly (rejecting impermanence) or pushing it away (not acknowledging the truth). This teaching offers a different approach that has the power to end unnecessary suffering. All emotions, positive or negative, can be accepted with loving kindness as if they were an old friend. Once acknowledged and accepted, an emotion loses its power and freedom is possible.
Mara is a demon god who attacks the Buddha with all kinds of negative emotions:
“Instead of ignoring Mara or driving him away, the Buddha would calmly acknowledge his presence, saying, “I see you, Mara.”
He would then invite him for tea and serve him as an honored guest. Offering Mara a cushion so that he could sit comfortably, the Buddha would fill two earthen cups with tea, place them on the low table between them, and only then take his own seat. Mara would stay for a while and then go, but throughout the Buddha remained free and undisturbed.
When Mara visits us, in the form of troubling emotions or fearsome stories, we can say, “I see you, Mara,” and clearly recognize the reality of craving and fear that lives in each human heart. By accepting these experiences with the warmth of compassion, we can offer Mara tea rather than fearfully driving him away. Seeing what is true, we hold what is seen with kindness. We express such wakefulness of heart each time we recognize and embrace our hurts and fears.”
Source: Psychology Today, Inviting Mara to Tea
So why have I written this blog post?
I want to share that I’ve been on a journey and offer words of encouragement if you’re curious about exploring your emotions. We all process emotions differently and it may be challenging for some people to identify their emotions so there’s no ‘one size fits all’ approach. Journaling helps me hugely, but there are many other ways to express what’s going on internally and they are all equally valid – for example, many people find creative outlets such as art, music, poetry and dance useful tools for emotional expression. I encourage those who are interested to find their own way to notice and express emotions.
In my experience, an unexpressed emotion has a habit of coming out whether I like it or not – so better to do so intentionally. And, who knows, an emotion acknowledged and expressed could just be the catalyst needed for some overdue changes.
Mindful Alice. 