This is a blog post about my journey with developing a less critical, more loving inner voice.
What makes radical kindness different from regular kindness?
Well, although kindness is one of my values, I’ve actually had a strong inner critic for a lot of my life. Radical kindness is a practice I discovered recently that’s closely linked to mindfulness. It involves noticing when I have an unkind thought and challenging it like a caring parent or friend would. Essentially, it’s the practice of developing an ever-present and loving inner voice.
That sounds great but I’m a bit sceptical. Is it possible to be kind all the time?
I’m striving for progress, not perfection. Through developing this practice, I’m much better at noticing when I’m being unkind and I actively counteract it with kindness much more than before. This didn’t happen by chance: it’s developed with the help of peer-support, research and self-reflection and I continue to work on it every day. When I exercise my kindness muscles they get stronger.
So how do you practise radical kindness?
For me, it starts with mindfulness meditation: a useful metaphor could be watching birds in the sky. I practise noticing when a thought comes into my mind (oh look, there’s a bird!), non-judgmentally label it “thinking” and then direct my awareness back to an “anchor” – something that brings me back to the present moment. I often use my breath as an anchor for a few reasons. Firstly, it is ever-present in my life so it’s always available and I can develop a familiarity with it. Secondly, breathing has a calming effect on my body and mind. Sometimes I notice myself getting carried away with a story and that’s fine, it’s just what my mind does (akin to flying off on my bird). When I do, I practise bringing my awareness back to my breath. To be honest, flying might not be the best metaphor because it sounds quite fun to go off on an adventure with a bird friend. The reality is that many of the stories in my mind are not much fun at all! In developing mindfulness, I’ve started to think of the present moment as a refuge or a safe place, free from negative stories.
Sure sure, so you’ve just explained mindfulness meditation but you didn’t get to the bit about radical kindness. Can you tell me how they’re related?
My stories are often negative and there’s a common theme: I don’t feel good enough. It’s OK though, I don’t need a pity party! Although the feeling of “not enoughness” can be very isolating at times, it’s actually part of the normal human experience. My brain is running on ancient “software” evolved over millions of years and a negativity bias is actually a pretty good survival trait. Ancient humans who weren’t afraid didn’t survive long enough to have babies and pass on their genes. I can choose to recognise the common humanity of my suffering and to offer myself care in that moment instead of criticism. And, since this is radical kindness, if I can offer this compassion to myself, perhaps I could offer it to everyone else too.
Everyone? Is that really something you want to strive towards? Are you saying you would condone violence or hatred?
No, I’m not saying that at all. It’s just recognising that being human is hard – we’re all trying our best under difficult circumstances. I’ve come to believe that all humans are worthy of compassion, even if their actions cause harm and suffering to themselves and others. I don’t have to allow harm to take place: I can call it out when I see it, set healthy boundaries, choose who I spend time with etc. It’s just recognising that there’s a lot of pain in the world and I can start by working to end my own unnecessary suffering. Perhaps if I’m in a better place – if I let go of “not enoughness” – I can start to transform the outer world too.
OK, well good for you I guess. Has it changed your life in any way?
Quite simply, yes. It’s rekindled a hope and faith in humanity and in myself that has been lost for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still plenty of work to do – and yet – I’ve also seen amazing progress. I feel stronger and braver as a result because I no longer believe so strongly that I’m not good enough. I don’t take things as personally as I used to either, but that’s the subject for another article!
What do you want to achieve from writing this article?
I want to reach others and give them a seed of hope: what if you are good enough, after all?
Mindful Alice. 